First day of the rest of our lives

As if words could ever even remotely do justice to the emotions that have overcome me the past two days, I will write. I will try to write to document my family's first experience with separation.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." Just a trite quote to some, but today, that phrase holds pretty true. Today, June 2, 2011, my husband caught a 0530 flight to Quantico, VA for Marine Corps Officer Candidates School. I am bursting at the seams with pride. He is pursuing his lifelong dream and to say he is an inspiration would be a vast understatement. He is taking the first step today in building a life for his family. I am overjoyed, overwhelmed, over-everything, but my heart would tell you much different. I had kept bottled every ounce of sadness I had in anticipation for my perfect husband's inevitable departure, that is, until yesterday. (Maybe if I had faced my emotions beforehand I wouldn't have been such a hot-blubbering-mess right up to the second my husband boarded a Delta flight right out of my summer.) I expected some of this- the crying, the immediate knots in my stomach, the feeling of helplessness, etc... I didn't know my heart would ache for Richard. Knowing that I can't be there to support him when he is at his weakest. The impending mental breakdown he will imminently face, he will have to face alone. The thought of abandoning the one your soul yearns for leaves you in a very gray, guilty, and anxious place. Not to mention Adelyn. Our precious, perfect baby girl. She lives and breathes Daddy. Without him here, I face so many challenges. Our 18 month old thrives on our family dinner dates and frequent tosses from Daddy onto firm mattresses. Will she immediately know he's gone? Will she cry herself to sleep? Or worse... will she even notice him gone at all?

I dropped off my beautiful husband this morning at 0430, Adelyn wide awake in the backseat. (I can only assume it was her teething/stuffed up nose/intuition that coincidentally brought her out of sleep around 0330) Richard kissed Adelyn and Paisley goodbye, got a couple more pictures and stepped out to unload his big forest green old school army backpack. Loaded down with athletic tape, antichafing creams, boots, polos, skivvies, etc., my sweet embraced me for a minute. I could tell he was ready to let go and get inside to meet his buds... while I on the other hand, could have stood there in the middle of the no-park lane for 15 years holding my love.

I cried the whole way home. I laid Adelyn back down to sleep. (Luckily she fell right back to sleep) I crawled back into my warm queen sized sleigh bed but this time as only half a person, the other half still waiting around at the terminal. After only having had 2 or 3 hours of sleep, I expected to pay no mind to the devastation that had just rocked my world and ease back into my dreamstate. Not a chance. I laid awake in my bed nuzzling my entire body in the fetal position into Paisley's underside. She offered warmth but no words of encouragement, unfortunately. Come to think of it, I don't think I could have heard any words at that moment that could lift the weight of my heavy heart in my chest. It peaked when I heard his airplane fly right over our apartment. "He's really gone," I thought.

When I finally dozed off, it was only for what felt like moments before I had to be up and 'at em to open up the store. I dropped off my sweet Adelyn at daycare before heading to work. I took one look at Adelyn's teacher and started to well up with tears, admitting to her, "Adelyn's daddy left for the summer this morning." A conversation ensued about the Marine Corps, why on earth he'd want to join, and how her husband was retired Marine Corps.

Work was good, of course. Took my mind of all things personal, minus the few conversations that I would have with my friends about how I appreciated their support and welcoming any and all help with Adelyn.

I got off work to go snag Adelyn from daycare. Seeing my daughter is like seeing the fruits of my love with my soulmate. Physical, tangible manifestation of the commitment and companionship I've formed with her father. I want ten more just like her. I have vowed to not be sad around her, so as always we try and find a good song to dance to on the radio as soon as I put her in the car. We danced wildly, passersby surely believing I had no business on the roads by the way I was flailing my arms and head around my minivan.

Later that evening, I got really brave. Adelyn and I made a trip to Wal-Mart for groceries. I try to avoid shopping trips that exceed 10 minutes with Addie, much less without Richard. However, we literally had no food in our apartment. I figured tonight would a good a night as any to get in there and handle her plus a buggy full of stuff. Ohhhhhh, I was way out of my league. Let's just say: Adelyn:1, Mommy:0. Although she threw fits in the mile long checkout lane and dumped an entire bag of goldfish in her carseat on the way home, I didn't mind all that much because I felt like a real Marine Corps wife in the making.

Made dinner for the first time in a while. Rich always cooks for me, which is good because he's much better. Adelyn ate nothing but a few pieces of cheese, some peanuts, and some apple juice. I am pretty sure her little cold has affected her appetite today. After a hellious diaper changing battle and a emergency trip to CVS for a replacement passy, we settled into jammies and read the two books that Daddy recorded for Adelyn to read. She knew it was his voice and kept saying, "Daddyyyy!" Bittersweet. We read On the Night You Were Born a few times and then switched over to Guess How Much I Love You? We read that one about three times before I noticed that Adelyn had sunk into a limp, sweaty, slightly twitchy-from-deep-sleep angel in my arms on the couch. My heart smiled so big. She literally fell asleep to her father's sweet voice and the lull of its monotone was just perfect to ease her crankmeister mind. He is amazing. So is she. I am constantly in awe of just having the sheer pleasure of watching her grow and being a part of this family. To be a peice of her puzzle is the best gift I could have been given.

I have had earphones glued to my ears the entire day. Before Wal-Mart the three of us went on a walk around the neighborhood. I sang aloud while walking, Adelyn danced while tucked tightly into her camoflauge stroller, and while Paisley tagged along. I hear your voice, Richard. I hear you through these songs and I feel you if I close my eyes tight enough and pretend you are here with me. I love you so much. Day one down, 69 to go.